Out of character...

For anyone who knows me... allowing myself to be viewed by all is very challenging for me. I have prided myself on being one of those people that no one ever really knows... but to my downfall.

I have been this way so long that I have had a hard time identifying myself lately. I've let myself get so wrapped up in (be completely identified with) what I do [my career, church, ministry, etc.] that I can't remember why I do some of the things that I do. Do I like what I do or have I fooled myself into believing that I am truely satisfied with my life.

The problem lies in the knowing. I seem to "have" to know everything, ins and outs, feelings, thoughts, explanations, pain, fear, regret, denial (that one I know too well), complacency. I have been able to categorize every posible feeling or reaction that has happened to me in my 25 years of existence until now...

It's amazing how God shows up and makes you realize how wrong you are but in such a way that even though it hurts to hear and feel its effects, you long to change and be obedient... That is where I am...

For the first time in years I am truely, without question, in a place I can't explain. I have a job I love that I didn't look for, a church family that is so different from everything that has ever been comfortable for me, accountability from places I didn't know existed, and true friendships that I honestly questioned. God's grace and mercy are sooo sufficient for us, for me!

But as much as all of this is going on in my life, I am coming to realize more and more each day that this has nothing to do with me. The Lord has lined up these events, these friendships/relationships, divine appointments for one reason... to put me in a place so that he can use me to further his kingdom. And being the selfish creature that I am, it has been the hardest paradigm shift I have ever been a part of. I never thought that I would admit that to myself... Everything that happens to me is not about me, well it is but it isn't. My continual relationship with Jesus Christ is constantly bringing me into new revelation which I have not known before, therfore giving be the ability to have faith in things that I have never had faith in before due to this new revelation... that communion with the Lord is bringing me more and more into true fellowship with the spirit of the Lord. And when I am lined up with the spirit that opens doors for true fellowship of the faith, fellowship with other christians who are seeking that true communion too, to happen. And that agreement of corporate faith in the body is what truely makes things shift, because we are in unity with the Father, and what a joy that is.

Anyway, this is more than I intended to write and it may not make sense but there you go.