Do you ever have those moments when it is just too much for you to handle. Well, I did this week. I have had some financial issues this month, which is not a surprise, but doubting that God was capable of meeting that need was new to me. I have never had a problem believing that God would meet my need. That has just never been an issue...until this week. Earlier this week I went to work as usual and for some reason finances came up in conversation between myself, another teacher, and one of my administrators. I was telling them about a mix up that has taken place in my finances and my pay for this past month. Anyway, the point of the matter is that in that moment, I didn't believe that the Lord could meet my need.
I was just completely sideswiped...within the last year I quit my job not knowing what I was going to do and moved to a new place that was where I felt the Lord wanted me to be... For some reason that life altering decision was not an issue... I trusted the Lord whole heartedly but in that moment Monday morning, I doubted. I truely doubted.
I lost it... I was a basket case... I felt such condemnation for doubting and could hear nothing but the voice of accusation telling me that I was the biggest failure as a christian and that my faith had been an illusion that I had believed in... Of course this is not true, but in that instant I could not hear the truth of God speaking to me, I was blinded.
What makes it worse is that everything that the Lord has been teaching me over the past few months has been about his faithfulness and about how things are not about me... funny how we are tested on what we are learning isn't it.
My perspective through this week has changed so much... I am understanding from a very personal perspective what it means to see and experience God faithfulness. I am realizing over and over and over again that God's ways are not our ways and that his solutions to our problems are very different from our own...
Never fear though, our God is faithful and true and he supplies ALL of our needs according to His riches in glory... I have no doubt in that now!
Lord, continue to reveal to me your ways. May I not be blinded by self despair and selfish ambition but may I look to you for every move and every breath. Teach me to truely walk in your ways Lord. I want to be a woman after your heart.
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i am familiar with the whole realization about really doubting God. I have been known to wonder if God really wanted the best for me, why my life was as it was. Last night at church, my pastor was talking about spiritual warfare. It was awesome and he so hit on what i had been going through. I have had some amazing breakthroughs though lately. I am so tired of all the mind games and crap i have going on in my head. I want to fill it all up with God and to see things as He does and not be so freakin' pessimistic.
i have come so far and yet i have so far to go. you are such an inspiration and always have been to me. thanks for being such a cool friend and awesomely honest person.
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