And so it begins...

I start at IHOP-ATL tonight. WOW! It is so hard to believe that I am really doing this. I feel like I have begun this journey that is taking me into the heart of God but the path to get there is one terrifying road! I don't know what is in store for me but I am excited to see. Until then, here's the second part of my intern experience.

Reflection Part 2 of 2
So I guess the only revelation that I have is that I don’t know anything and I can’t do this without God for real. I am nothing apart from Him. I am absolutely and completely devoid of any meaning without Him. The issue I see however is this huge gap between what I desire to be and what the actual reality in my heart is. I desire to desire. I want to want Him. I long to love Him without reserve and without pretense. The reality is that I still have a hesitation. I still have some glitch in my heart that pauses when He draws me near. Some deep reservation that I can’t seem to shake no matter how hard I try. There hasn’t been a time in my life where I have felt more vulnerable than in this place. Raw, broken, wounded, agitated, heartbroken, sick with love (as faint as it may be), and above all revealed. For the first time in my almost 27 years, with the exception of my salvation experience, I have been real with God and with people about where I am spiritually. As painful as it has been, there is something freeing in just putting the façade away and looking into the mirror of your soul and letting it reflect the truth of who you are no matter how ugly and disturbing the truth is. It is only then that you can even begin to grasp the reality of your need for God. The true need. I can’t do anything without Him. I can’t love Him unless He reveals His love. I can’t recognize His worthiness unless He reveals it. I can’t believe unless I have revelation of His beauty. Nothing aside from Him will sustain me. Nothing. The crazy part is that He loves me in this broken, wretched state of my heart. It is so unfathomable that He, the Uncreated God, could love me even now. In the depravity and wretchedness He loves me and takes delight in me. I have to say to myself, “Just believe.” Isn’t that the part of Christianity that is so baffling? All we have to do is believe. We don’t have to “do” anything. We don’t have to strive. We don’t have to reach to meet some unattainable goal in the sky. All we have to do is believe. So simple yet so difficult. I want to want to believe and that is all I know. I wake up everyday and make a choice to believe even though I don’t feel anything. Even though God feels a billion miles away, I say yes even when my doubt is painfully overwhelming. When everything in me wants to run away, I choose again to say yes. I don’t understand it. I can’t tell you why I keep coming back yet I can. There is something deep within that has been touched and I will never be the same. I will never recover. There is something at the very core of me that says in the dark, quiet, dry place, “Believe,” and for some crazy reason I do. That’s it, “Believe.” I don’t feel anything and I don’t see anything change but I am still choosing to listen and believe that it truly will be worth it.