It's Official...

...well almost. I finished my internship Sunday night, had new staff orientation today and with the exception of filling out my tax forms, I am full time staff at the International House of Prayer- Atlanta. It has been the biggest whirlwind! I have been on the most intense God rollercoaster ride that I have ever had the privelege to experience. If you have kept up with me at all during the last 2 months you have some idea of what has been going on. I have so much in my heart that I still cannot express. Here's a little bit of what is going on in my heart. It is a little intense so brace yourself. If you are squimish about the reality of the human heart stop reading here!

Reflection Part 1 of 2
I would love to be able to tell you of the wonderful revelation that I received over the last 8 weeks, but the truth is I am not sure what revelation I have received. All I can honestly say at this point is that this has been the suckiest, best experience of my life. I was thrown into a situation where I was voluntarily forced into a room where I could not escape the One with eyes of fire. It’s not that I haven’t always been in this gaze but I am now painfully aware of it. There is something that happens in this reality; you find out that you don’t know God as much as you think you do or as much as you would like others to believe you do. You become soberly aware of your barrenness and depravity. You realize that your “normal” Christianity is not enough to sustain you in the place of prayer. I felt like I was talking to a stranger and sometimes still do. There’s no escaping it. A few nights I wanted to leave all together but where could I go, really? There is nothing that can fill this void except for God. I would never be satisfied fulfilling the desires of my flesh now. Even though there is no escaping this reality of emptiness, there is nothing aside from Christ alone that can fill this void.
I came here with a great conviction that this is where God had called me to be but at the first sign of wilderness I began to question everything. When I say everything, I mean everything! I find it interesting that we, mankind, are so fickle. One minute we have a deep conviction and we are so sure of everything and then the next minute we can’t decipher which end is up. There were so many things I was so sure of before I came here and now I am not sure what I believe anymore. I am undone for real. My heart is laid bare. Open for all to see. I can’t hide it. I can’t pretend it is not happening. The moment I try to mask the pain I am struck with tears and am overcome again. My heart is so full yet so empty, if this is even possible. I don’t know where this long, dark, dry road leads but I can only rest in the promise that it is to the arms of my Beloved. Even when I don’t really want to believe and I don’t have the will to believe there is something deep that still holds on to this hope. I can’t explain it and maybe that’s the point. There are moments that I have questioned the very existence of God and yet during a devotional set that same day I am singing things that I can’t even explain. Why would I be prompted to sing about being lovesick if I didn’t believe? I am just trusting that He is doing something deep within me even when my doubt is all I can see. When my unbelief is attacking me like a ravenous beast, He is molding and shaping my heart into His image. When my pain is all I can feel, He is bringing restoration to the deepest parts of my soul. I have to believe this is true. I have to believe that my tears are not in vain, that He really is storing them in His bottle as it says in Psalm 56:8. I have to rest in the faint hope that my weak attempts to express a love I am not sure of to a God I am not sure about are going up to Him as a fragrant offering. I have to hang on to this small glimmer of light trapped deep within me that says, “It’s worth it Beloved. All of this is worth it.”

TO BE CONTINUED...