I had a moment yesterday in my voice lesson that was absolutely mind heartbreaking... I was in there and I am doing my vocalizing and what not but then Pruett and I began to talk about what I really wanted out of my lessons. What did I want my end goal to be... and I have kept saying that I wanted to do something with my classical training besides teaching. (which by the way is not horrible but I am not loving it) When I started taking voice lessons again I thought I would just keep my skills up... then I thought Grad school... and then most recently, over the last 6 months, I was encouraged to prepare for an audition with an opera company in Atlanta... which I would honestly love to do and was working toward... BUT (aren't all big decisions followed by a big fat but) I have a full time teaching job which gives me NO extra time and most importantly, there is the God card... How do I balance what I feel like my calling spiritually is with what I am good at and enjoy in the natural? From our conversation I gathered that to persue a career in the opera field I would have to choose between the styles of music that I sing. In other words, if I want to seriously persue this opera thing then I would have to seriously cut back on how much I sing in what the classical world would call a "pop" style. Explained even further... Singing worship music would be limited for me. Somehow, I can't make that kind of choice.
Even on days when I feel like I don't have a clue about God, there is this part of me that cries out from my inmost being to worship. How can a creature that was created to worship live contented in an atmosphere where their innate desire [WORSHIP of our Creator] is stiffled?...
How do you explain to somebody that it is not about you? How do you get them to understand that you would sacrifice everything you love just to sit at the feet of your Creator-Savior-Deliverer-King-Love and bask in his presence? How do you make someone understand that the desires of your heart are somehow becoming so entangled with the desires of the father that the temperal things of this world are having less and less of a hold on you.
... And at the same time, getting past the grieving natural heart and embrace the spiritual one that communes with the father and understands that you can only embrace the true calling of God when all selfish desires have been put to death?
God teach me Your ways... may my heart be yours... may my desires be your desires for me... May I not want anything more than You!!!!
This is still sinking in... I don't think I have gotten it fully yet but hopefully I will... one day.
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2 comments:
WOW! Mel--I will definitely be praying for you. I too have felt such a strong desire to want to desire MORE of Christ...it's kind of hard to explain....but I FEEL IT!
You are an inspiration to me...and I am so thankful that God gave your friendship to me!!! :)
You encourage me too Candice... I think the same thing when I read your blogs or talk to you. I can't even begin to thank the Lord for friendships like yours!!!
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