I wrote this a couple of weeks ago and I thought that some of you might like it. Here's nothing...
Cycles fade one to another. Never ending just morphing from phase to phase passing through the existence of time. I get lost sometimes in the madness. Not knowing where to place my feet. Longing to be swept away by the undertow getting lost in limbo. All the while something inside me screams for it all to STOP! Can I ever comprehend the insanity all around me. Do I want to? I crave silence, ache for it... if not silence something to drown out all the clutter, to escape. Like a child, I want to swing for hours hearing only the sound of the wind and feeling the cool night air kiss my face as I loose the sun behind the veil of trees. Can I return to that place where things were much simpler and my only responsibility was to enjoy life? Where making mistakes was safe and consequences didn't determine my future. It was much simpler then. And yet the freedom I have now is what I longed for as a child... to be free of the parental eye... but this freedom is different than I imagined. It is frightening, overwhelming and I realize more and more that there's something about those arms enveloping you in a time of distress that quieted the world around you and made the world seem safe again. Safe to explore, challenge, create, dance, sing, fall, climb, examine, change, experiment, find, be... rest. Ah yes. Why does it scare me so much to pursue these things now... now that I have a "career" and a "life." Why can't I run with reckless abandon like I did then? Why do suddenly become gripped with fear when one of those dreams starts to come to fruition? Why does failure scare me so much? I can't get past it. I have a hard time doing anything that may cause me to fail as if that failure will be the end of me. Knowing full well that it is a part of life... no one will ever be perfect and yet I still want to be. Or at least think I want to be. I don't know. For once that is a truly honest answer. I don't know.
Sleep, that is my repose. When can I retreat to the sea of blankets and pillows where all is still and rest comes? I need it now more than last time. Swallow me oh sea and take me to the depths. Quiet my soul. Let the roar of the waves blanket all other sounds until I have found my solitude once more...
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2 comments:
i have so much to say dearest and yet i cannot now---for time does not allow it---later i will comment later---turn on some jazz, turn down the phone ringer and sleep...
I understand you...I think we get screwed by society into making the process of being an adult some high esteemed thing...think about it the people that you most enjoy in life have some quality of childlike joy about them...yet we all but butcher that for the sake of "being an adult". Dr. Cox said something in a class that I've always remembered: "To accomplish great things in God's kingdom you've got to be willing to fail." All the Bible character's who are noteworthy did stuff that if God had not intervined they would've failed: Moses, Noah, Elijah....but knowing all of this doesn't make it any easier to live...Keep your head up girlie!
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