Just to let anyone knowmwho actually reads this. I just heard from my mom today. My dad has been having some test run because his medicine for his blood pressure hasn't been working correctly. In these test they have discovered a spot on his right kidney. The doctors told my parents today that they are almost positive that it is cancer. They are sending my dad to an urologist to have it biopsied. Please pray!
I have been praying for years, "God whatever it takes, bring him to the knowledge of who you are." Isn't it funny that we pray that way but we don't consider how that will affect us in the process. We always want something to happen as long as it doesn't mess up our little world. After my initial breakdown and taking time to process, I totally believe that God is going to use this to save my dad. Yes it totally sucks and hurts and I would love for it to all be just a dream but that is not reality. I really wanted to leave my internship earlier today but that is not God's plan for me. After praying about it, I feel like I am where I am supposed to be right now.
On the personal spiritual note with this situation. My prayer has been for months that God would be made greater in me... that I would die so that Christ may live in me. I want to be a voluntary lovesick worshipper that has no offense in my heart towards God. To be completely honest, when I heard the news today, my first response was offense. As I had time to process the situation I realized it. I was taking a shower and began to weep again but not for my dad but in realization of my reaction. I truly want to be found without offense before the Lord... to be able to say that His leadersip is perfect and that His judgements are sovereign and that He is faithful, true and just. I want to mean it and not just say it because that is what I am supposed to say.
Anyway here's a prayer... it is so where I am and my hearts cry...
"A Prayer of Barrenness"
My heart aches. I love Him, yes, but faintly.
I desire Him, yes, but weakly.
I want Him, yes, but waveringly.
Even the pain that lies within
I recognize to be such faint pain,
A mere discomfort next to the heart-wrenching anquish
That grips true lovers
My knowledge is nothing. My wisdom, infancy.
I see nothing as it truly is.
Eternity what is light. This life of earth what is dark.
Stories remain stories. Not sinking deep within my soul,
And scarring me with Divine invasion
Your cross is a picture, Your Heaven a fantasy.
Tears are sweet emotions, moved by Your sacrifice.
But not the tears of sharing in Your sufferings.
I say Your name so sweetly but do not know its Face.
All I am is far. So distant, so removed.
But You beckon me come.
Yet, my Lord, I am nothing. I have nothing. I know nothing.
When I thought I had something,
It dissolved before Your beauty,
And I was left naked. Possessing nothing.
Poor for words. Empty of all. Needy and alone.
Even so, my Love, call me.
Yes, do not leave me here but beckon me come.
Though I have nothing,though I am only poor;
I cast myself on your unfailing love
Where else would I go?
Whom have I but You?
-Dana Candler
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7 comments:
As I read your words, I can't help but cry. Isn't it something when we pray...and God's way of answering throws us off so much...that our initial reaction, soon thereafter, leaves disappointment in ourselves.
I will be prayig too. Love you girl.
I've been praying since I got your call this week babe! Mom and Char are as well. We absolutely believe God is working a miracle in your family through all of this! There is no doubt you are right where you are supposed to be! I love you so much and miss you like crazy!
Hey sis. "By HIS stripes we're healed." I'm praying for ya'll. I hate to hear this but I'm trusting that God knows what he's doing. I'm praying for your Dad, you, and Mom. Tell them both I'm thinking about them and love them dearly. If you need anything at all, you know my number. Call me anytime. Love ya girl and we'll be praying.
Thanks Guys! I love you so much. God is good.
Waiting for an update whenver you can get us one. Miss ya but I hope you're enjoying your time at IHOP. Love ya, B
Mel, I sent you a message and some Scriptures on your myspace account. That was before I realized you didn't really check that one. I will stand in prayer for your family as well. (check your myspace) Love, KEL
Hey. We don't know each other, but I happened upon your blog. I just wanted to enourage you in the Prayer of Barrenness. My heart's cry has been the same thing: you want Him, but more than that you want to want more of Him. It's a paradox only Jesus could inspire. It broke in me recently, and the fire is wonderfully unbearable - kind of like praying for someone's salvation and then realizing what it might take for the glory of God to be made manifest in his life.
Anyway - I just wanted to encourage you in that. Your dad's healed and saved, and your hunger for hunger is awesome.
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